August 6, 2008 at 9:15

My mom died this morning. Sadly I wasn't there with her, but I think she was waiting for all of us to leave her. Always the good hostess. I was very nervous driving to see her. I wasn't sure what to expect or how I would feel seeing her. As I entered the room and saw her lying there she looked so peaceful. A frozen smile on her face. I haven't seen her smile for over a week. Her skin was so soft. I felt guilty for wanting all of this to be over, wished she would take another breath, but her smile comforted me. I know she is in a better place spending time with those who have gone before her. After everyone that was there had a chance to say a final goodbye, my sister's Kara and Mindy helped me wash her. I love her so much and I am really going to miss her. I know she will be waiting for me, and helping me be a better mom to my own kids. I am thankful for her example. I love you mom.

4:48

It is really early in the morning. Late last night, right before I finally went to sleep, I went to check on her. I stood in the doorway, waiting to hear her rattling breath. I held my own breath while I entered the room. I expected her to be cold, but she was not. I leaned in, and she was breathing so relaxed. I feel like Heavenly Father has given her a gift. It was a gift to me too. She is still alive now, but she is still so comfortable. I hope she stays peaceful like this until she dies.

Grandad's Poem For His Daughter

She grew up being a happy child
Always gentle, meek and mild.
With a somewhat shy and wistful smile,
That, in her heart, there was no guile

Her grade school years brought fun and pride
As she excelled in all she tried.
From pictures it was manifest
That she was taller than the rest

Her tuneful voice was filled with song
That helped to move the years along.
She advanced into the teenage years
With all their drastic hopes and fears.

In high school she achieved some more
Towards what she was looking for
And built fond memories along the was
To be who she could be someday.

Too soon she was a woman grown
And left our nest to build her own.
She put the Temple in her plan
That sealed her to her chosen man.

Their nest was filled just one by one
With thirteen births ere they were done.
Thirteen souls they brought to life
A blessing for a man and wife.

So Dauna prepared, just in case,
Of an early call to end the race.
Her family stands at thirteen strong
To push unfinished work along

Being a family made her happy and proud
And with hope and endurance was richly endowed
To provide her body with codes to go by,
Willing to live, unwilling to die.

By her loving Father,
Cleo Elijah (Bud) Hiatt age 92

Quick update...She is the strongest woman I have ever known. She has changed all the rules. Hospice has never seen anyone so strong, and remarkable. When the nurse came early this morning, she was surprised to see her alive, and said she would stay (sure it would be soon). We told her to go finish her rounds and come back at the end of her shift. Mom was still alive and breathing. She asked if we would like her to stay again. Although her experience was comforting for all of us, she had a family that wanted to see her. Now, at 12:47 am, I am preparing to sleep. I said my final goodbyes for the 100th time, wondering if I will have the opportunity to say goodbye again. Part of me hoping I will, and part of me praying I won't. It is so hard to watch her struggle for every breath. Wondering if her restlessness is from pain, anxiety, unresolved issues, or just wanting to breathe and not being able to catch her breath. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her.
Thank you for all the support. I feel very loved.

Mom Update

I am sitting over at my parents house right now. My sisters, Julie, Emily, and Britta, and 3 of Britta's kids, stayed with her for a long time before my dad wanted to go to bed. We sang...a sort of cruel torture, having a hard time keeping a straight face sitting right next to my nephew. I think my mom would have been laughing with us if she could.
She has gone 6 days without any water or food except for a couple syringes full of ensure a couple days ago. She no longer talks and only every once in a while opens her eyes, but I don't think she is seeing anything. Her look is blank. I am planning to stay here for a good portion of the night because looking at her she seems different to me today. He skin is pale and waxy. Her cheeks are cold now. Her breathing is much more labored now. The nurses are baffled. They have never had a patient all over the place. One day she is so close to death. You take a breath and prepare for the end, then you wake up the next day, call over to dads to ask how she is doing and her oxygen saturation is up with no explanation. It is a strange limbo between grieving and numbness. Sadly you get used to seeing your mom unresponsive and struggling to breath. Most of the time you can handle it and then you are thrust back into reality. I don't know how my mom feels about my crying. I hope she isn't unsettled by it. I love her. I think this is really the end now. The hospice nurse said she had less than 24 hours left. That is why I am sitting here blogging while I wait for news when I should be catching up on sleep. Feels strange waiting. I have a lot of support here. Not many people have as many people all going though the same thing. Some can spend more time than others. I think everyone is dealing with it differently, but it is nice to have someone that understands. I am too young to loose my mom. I am sorry if none of this makes sense. My sister reading over my shoulder has already pointed out lots of mistakes, but I am too tired to care.

Back In Las Vegas

You can see where my priorities are...get the kids out of the car, throw together some dinner, then blog. I should be doing the mountains of laundry. (We had to borrow two extra suitcases to bring home all our dirty clothes.)
I am sure you are all just dying to know how the class reunion went. I had a good time. Not a great time, but good enough. I was surprised how much like high school it was. All the old friends gravitated. I found myself avoiding eye contact and conversations. Every time I did open my mouth strange things would come out. I actually sang to one person. And I am not sure if I was just too forgettable, or I looked really different, but no one recognised me. Even people that should have known me like those who were in my ward and grew up with.

I had to say goodbye to my mom. I have had the luxury of denial. The last time I saw her, she looked like she was dying. She had looked so good, and had been totally lucid. She loved to hear stories about the funny things the grand kids were doing, and filled in the blanks with lots of praise and comfort. When I saw her yesterday, she looked sick. She was very tired, and the long line of my kids wanting to say goodbye wore her out fast, but when they left the room and I had my moment with her I realized how real this was. I was saying goodbye to my mother. These were the last words I was going to hear from her, and the last I was going to say. We just hugged each other and cried. My mom is so strong, and I know she wanted me to be strong, but I couldn't talk myself out of those feelings. I am really going it miss her. I pulled myself together, just long enough to make it to the car. I had a really hard time leaving. I couldn't breathe or swallow because my chest was so tight. I don't feel like our goodbye was enough. Is that it? Does she know how much I really love her, and that she is the nicest person I have ever met? Does she know, that the things I see in myself and like, are things she taught to me? For some reason telling her doesn't seem to be enough. I am going to miss her.

Hazel's Kindergarten Graduation

I know, I can't believe it either. Thanks to Jenny, I have some really cute video and pictures. Ok, I haven't seen them yet because of the filter on Julie's computer so you are all in the same boat as me. Let's all just sit her and imagine how cute Hazel would be doing some song or dance, and laugh at the weird boy who is stealing the show. Cute huh. So until I come back, which will be after my class reunion, you will just have to wait. I am going to fish around for a picture on Julie's computer 'cause it adds something. That's better.

This Is What's Going On

For most of you, this will be old news, but for those who don't already know, my mom isn't doing very well. She is unable to eat anything, at this point. She refuses to take any of her medication anymore. She is surviving on morphine and ice chips. I am having a really hard time coming to grips with all this. I have been in Idaho for the last week and a half so I can spend time with her. She is able to talk and that has been a huge comfort to me. She is happier than I have seen her for a long time. I will try to keep you all updated, but it is hard because Julie's computer is usually in use, and I have a lot going on.
Oh, and for those of you who don't know, Julie had her baby. She wasn't' due until August so she is in the NICU. (Poor Julie, I don't know how she is doing all of this.) She is super cute and small, but not too small. She was 5lbs 4oz at birth, and probably close to that again. She will come home as soon as she proves she can gain weight without her feeding tube in. We're hoping my mom will get a chance to see her. Sorry if this is hard to understand. My thoughts are a bit fragmented, but I just thought I would let you all know where I was, and what was going on.

Hot Stuff

My extended family is planning a family reunion. Sad that I won't be able t make it, but I am having such a good time seeing all the old pictures that have been circulated though email. I thought I would post this picture. This is one of me. This is really cool because there aren't very many pictures of me as a baby/toddler. I have never seen this one before. Wasn't I just so...plain? I am the one showing off the goods, if you didn't already know that. My sister Libby is behind me, and I think that harry thing is my cousin Cortney.

Where do I start? Ok, my friend Kimberly came to stay with me a little while back. We were talking about our class reunion coming up, and she had expressed some anxiety about it. She has done very well for herself. She got her degree and is a teacher, she is doing a great job of raising her son by herself, and she still manages to look great doing it all. The anxiety comes from having to explain her past. You see, her husband and father of her adorable Braxton, died almost two years ago from a drug overdose. (Sorry Kimberly, hope this isn't a secret.) How do you explain that to people who are surely going to ask? I think there are three questions you will get asked by everyone at the reunion. What is your job? Where do you live? What is up with your family? While she was here, we did a little role playing. I was the unaware questioner, and she was herself. I now realize I had overlooked something in our sessions. I care about Kimberly and what is going on in her life. I have years of friendship to help me put the situation in perspective. Not everyone at the reunion has that. I say this because the other day, I ran into a girl I used to have a playgroup with years ago. I run into her at Costco every six months or so. When I saw her, I did the usual- comment on how big her kids have gotten, get updated ages, then relay what I remember about the last time I saw her. I told her that I remember her being pregnant the last time I saw her, and asked if the way too big boy in her cart was that baby. She said probably not, she had a baby after that. I asked where he was. Assuming he was home with dad because who would want to drag four kids around the store. I was shocked when she told me that he had died in a car accident. I felt terrible for leading the conversation in that direction, and completely uncomfortable after that. I was stumbling over my words and trying to ease some of the tension, but it was terrible. As with Kimberly, I am sure this mother had come to terms with the situation, but I didn't know how to treat her. I saw her a couple more times as we finished up our shopping and avoided her. I would hate for this to happen to Kimberly at the class reunion. I guess my new advice is only tell people who you think care about your feelings more than their own.
I had taken a number of videos of our sessions but Tom ruined them all with his inappropriate comments. It is sad for Kimberly because I had some very insightful, good, true to life, role play video. Thanks Tom.

Random Cuteness

I don't know if it is just me, being a mom, but I have got to have the cutest kids in the whole world. I am pretty sure if they were any cuter it would be a hazard. This is a random sampling of pictures I took recently. Don't you just want to squeeze them?

You Guys Wanna...?

As most of you know, We had the pleasure of having Jenny's angels stay with us the last few days. The experience made me realize I can't have that many kids and an awesome blog. I know it has been lacking, and will continue to lack until I catch up on my sleep.
I had great activities planned for each day. (I had a lot of pressure to try to do as good of a job with Jenny's kids as she had done with mine. I don't know how she did it. She is my hero.) So, my activities weren't as cool as Jenny's, but I had planned stuff everyday none the less. Day one- slip-n-slide! A hit. By the time everyone was back inside and fed, I realized it was 6:15 and Cord had scouts. I rushed to get him ready, and was out the door by 6:27. That left me with three minutes to get there. It took me 13 minutes, not bad, but not good enough. We rushed to the football field (Jenny's instructions) a lowly tumbleweed rolled across the field. I know those pack meetings don't last long, but 10 minutes late? We had to be in the wrong place. We ran around the entire high school campus looking for another football field. (You never know.) No luck. This was no ordinary high school either. Running, it took twenty minutes to conclude we were in the wrong place. So now running 30 minutes late, I decided to try the church. As I pull up a young boy in a scout uniform exited. We rushed inside, the only movement came from the young kids playing in the gym while they waited for their dad, the ward clerk, to finish his business. Sorry Jenny and Cord. You will have to wait one more month for that badge. I hear the anticipation is the best part anyway.
Day two, Tom had the great idea to take the kids to blockbuster to rent a game. (Our selection is sadly outdated.) The kids picked Raving Rabbids 2. I couldn't help but want to play too. They played into the night, and first thing in the morning, they were back at it. Lowes has fun little projects for the kids to do on Saturday, and I had planned on taking advantage of this free activity. "Hey, you guys wanna go?" "Uh, no. We are really close to opening a new outfit." I was fine with that. That meant I could put off getting everyone ready for a few more hours, take my time. By around noon, I started to feel bad. They were still playing that game. I forced them to go to the pool with me. I needed a tan really bad. The pool was great. The tan I had hoped for turned into a painful sunburn on just my shoulders. It hasn't started peeling, but it will. The rest of me is still shockingly white. The second we walk in the door, back to the game. I had to tear them away to get dressed. Day four Tom was going to take the kids to see the Hulk. "You guys ready to go?" "Uh, no. We will wait and see it with our family. We will just stay and play this game." After that, I finally got it. They really wanted to play this game more than anything. So next time I watch your kids, just send 5.99 to rent a game and we will be good. Good times you guys.

Grocery Store Faux Pas

This very morning, I was on an errand. The circumstances were just right for me to make a run for it. (You see, I have Jenny's kids plus mine. That makes like almost double digit kids. They were all entertained for the moment, but I had to leave then. Things change fast around here.) I grabbed Atticus and ran, both of us still in our PJ's. Him in his dirty legged, knee holes, so severely stained that it almost looks deliberate, pajamas. Me in my old maternity sweats that I just roll the waistband to keep up. As I was unloading Atticus, I realized what a sight we truly were. He was also covered in cocoa puff residue. I was singing a stupid song that I made up on the spot. (For those of you who have heard one of my songs...let's just say, they are inspired.) It went something like this, "You are a chocolate face, a chocolate face, a chocolate face. Look at you my chocolate face, my chocolate, chocolate face." At just that moment, I realized there was two black guys right behind me. They didn't say anything, just looked. I turned Atticus so they could see he had a chocolate face without being to obvious. I never thought I would have be relieved to have such a dirty kid on my hip.

Too Late!

We got a kitten. Now reading all of the great reasons not to get a kitten makes me want to get rid of it. I will keep it for two months then put it on craigslist. Hopefully the lady I got it from won't see it. That is if he makes it two months. We have only had him a couple days, and we have had a few close calls. Violet loves him so much, too much. Sorry to all the people who are allergic to cats. Especially you Jenny. I told my kids not to tell you when we were over at your house. I told them it would hurt you feelings. Everyone-meet Benny...Oops, here's Benny. Oh, and don't tell Tom about the hairball. He will insist we get a new shower. Are you wondering about that orange thing in there? Me too.

I'm Bored!

I am bored. None of the million things I am supposed to be doing sound like fun. I think I am going to get a kitten. Someone hurry and talk me out of it

I Know-Too Many Posts In One Day!

I have been neglecting my fans, so to make up for lost time I am a blogging fool today. I just wanted to tell you all about the coolest ever band. I know they are cool because I recorded five of their songs without knowing it was the same group. You see, my screen on my radio broke in an unfortunate jogging accident-Tom's fault-so I never know what I am listening to, but I had downloaded the music to my computer so i could make a playlist of my own. (Tom's taste in music-not so good.) While trying to find my favorite songs, I noticed all of my absolute favorites were by the same group. The Shins. I looked them up and listened to some more of their music, and I must say, amazing. They can't all be winners, but I picked my favorites out for you all. Just go ahead and push play. It will make the pictures I posted that much cuter.

There's More

I have more.

The Picutres Have Arrived

Here you go. Sorry, blog authority of Rexburg. Nothing funny 'cept my face.

I Got My Pictures

Yeah, I got them...
Nuh uh, not till tomorrow. It will be better that way.

What Do I Hate More Than Anything?

Violet has been particularly hard to feed lately. She won't eat some of the staples anymore. Today it was chicken sandwiches. She took a couple bites then told me she didn't like chicken anymore. I reminded her that she did, and she took a couple more bites. Later, she came to me and told me she was finished and that she would like a cookie. I asked her is she was really finished, and reminded her how much I hate lying. She said "yes, all finished." I told her I was going to check her plate, and if she hadn't finished, and had lied to me she would loose her cookie privileges for two days. She admitted she had a couple bites left. At this point I asked her, "What do I hate more than anything?" (The answer is lying.) She said, "Chicken sandwiches." Hard not to laugh.