I just wanted to blog about how much I love the new blogging feature that tells me who has updated. Thank you whoever made it possible. It has really saved me so much time. Let me know if you didn't make my list. I realized my sister hadn't made it yesterday. I don't want to miss a thing!
I am sure you all have noticed the changes in your parenting strategy. I don't know for sure what brings about those changes, but those things that outraged you as a kid (you know, not being allowed to do something at a certain age that a younger sibling is allowed to do while using the oven, and a butcher knife.) I decided to take a passive approach to Atticus coloring all over the house. I thought, "He will get sick of this really fast. If I don't get mad, he won't think it is fun. I will just make sure there aren't crayons out for him to color with, etc." As i am sure you all have guessed, it isn't working! Everytime I turn around he has a crayon (pretty sure he has a secret hiding place), and is coloring on something. So, I broke it out. The meanest, most authoritative "NO" I could muster. His mouth turned down and his eyes filled with tears, but I think it worked. In your face Atticus!
I had taken a bunch of pitures of his "art", but they have mysterioulsy disappeared. There is a fresh batch of "art", but my battery is also mysteriously dead...
I am doing so good. This is the longest I have gone without nursing Atticus. Three days! I heard it gets better after three days. Maybe better for the baby, but not for me. My boobs are huge! Sadly I can't be happy about this because it is too painful. Before you know it they will have shrivelled into sad saggy grossness. What, you say you want a picture? Dude, that's sick.
I can finally tell you all one of my darkest secrets because it is just about to be resolved. I am a closet breastfeeder. I never actually stopped breastfeeding all those months ago when I blogged about it. Well, actually I did, for a whole day, but quickly gave up the second day when Atticus refused to take a bottle. So here I am...realizing how things like this happen...Now that you are all totally grossed out, think about how I feel. He now demands it and always tries to pull my clothes off. So, this time for sure.
Well, today was the first day of school. My kids were so excited, they woke me up at like 6:00a.m. Everything went so smoothly. Unlike some people I know, I was totally 100% prepared for this. We decided to walk. The chatter was so excited. We got to the school. I had to take Thomas first. I dropped him off at the kindergarten playground, and he was gone. I went to take Hazel to her class, and as we entered the gate, passed the playground, started discussing the drop off and pick up, she started walking slower and slower. By the time we were close to her line, I was practically dragging her. Her teacher passed her a name tag, and she started to cry. I tried to comfort her in the one minute of time I had before I had to make it back to the kindergarten playground to help Thomas find his class. It was hard leaving her, but I knew she was in good hands. The teacher looked terrified. She wasn't quite sure what to do for a first grader crying for her mom. Well, anyway here are the "First Day of School" pictures. See if you can tell which one is my favorite.
I thought I would post something a little bit more exciting. I am afraid my blog is turning depressing so I am going to post something good. As I am sure you have all heard by now, we are making preparations to move to Idaho. Today we sent Tom's parents on the long journey across town to look at our top pick of the houses we had found. They gave the house rave reviews so I submitted my rental application. (We are going to keep our house in Las Vegas so we can't buy a house right now, but the lady who owns the house we are going to rent wants to sell it. So, if we do fall in love...it could be ours.) The rent is month to month so we can also move if something better comes along. I am super excited. I hope it all works out. Anyways...isn't she a beaut?
Well, it has been a big week for us. Between school starting, Thomas's birthday, and my own inner struggles...needless to say, our hands have been busy. Well, while I was out doing some last minute school shopping, Hazel lost her first tooth. That was her first mistake. I think I needed to see the blood for it to register with me. I tried to make a big fuss when I got home, but my performance probably lacked enthusiasm. Well, the night rolled around and I went to bed. I woke up to a soft knock on my door. I cracked the door open, and there was Hazel. She said, " The tooth fairy didn't come." in a shaky voice while tears welled up in her eyes. I made up a passable excuse for the Tooth Fairy. She felt reassured. Then I remembered she had slept on the couch. So I ran to her bed and put the goods and a note explaining how she couldn't find Hazel or her tooth. Then I sent her to check her bed. She seemed relieved. I felt terrible. I am officially going to snap out of it.
I just thought I would give you the play by play of the party. Woke up, watched the video I made about 15 times, then I asked Thomas what he wanted for breakfast. Anything. He said macaroni and cheese at first and then "anything" sunk in. He wanted doughnuts. Thankfully, Krispy Kream has a drive-through so I didn't even have to get dressed. Chocolate sprinkles for the kids and blueberry for me. I love blueberries, always have, always will. Then on to Chuck E. Cheese. Thomas instantly found himself a girl. She followed him around, and rode the rides with him. It was so adorable. We hadn't had the foresight to make reservations but, luckily we were there while some other parties were going on so we got the works. Then home for presents and cake. Seriously, have you ever seen anyone so excited? Where do you go from there? I will never be that excited about anything. All in all, a good day. I sure do love my kids. Wish I had a doughnut right now...
Thomas is turning five today. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. He is going to be starting school this year. Some of those pictures in the video seemed not very long ago. I was surprised at how young my kids looked. Anyway, Thomas, I hope you have a very good day. I love you!
Okay, okay, you win. Not only do I love anatomy jokes, you just happened to stumble on an inside family joke that involves Jenny, Amy, and your lovely sister Mary, and a very competitive game of boggle. I would tell you the whole story, but this is a PG-sometimes PG-13-blog, and mostly because I am pretty sure Mary reads my blog.
I would like to thank all of you who participated in the "Make Katie Laugh" competition. I laughed at all of the entries, but I am going to give the prize to Morgan. You have won the top honor which includes, but is not limited to, the good feeling in your heart for making a sad girl laugh. I am going to try to pay you all back with this. Hope you enjoy. This made me laugh really hard.
Well, here I am, back in Las Vegas. Things are starting to feel normal again, well, things...not me. I guess I feel a little more normal today than I did yesterday, but less normal than I did three days ago. I hope all of this is a normal part of grieving. My perspective has changed. I realize the importance of my family, not that I didn't think they were important before, but I realized I am still in Las Vegas even though I promised myself when I moved here that I wouldn't stay long enough for my kids to go to school here. Hazel has completed one year already and Thomas is just about to start. Now, to be fair, Las Vegas has been very good to us. I can see why people would love it here and want to stay, but I am missing something that is very important to me, something I can't put into words, but something I had when I lived in Idaho growing up, and found again when I was there spending time with my mom. I am motivated to get things in order so we can move. Although this is a scary adventure, it could theoretically be a great business decision. I am just going to hold my breath and jump. I am now willing to take a risk to get to be where I want to be...thank you mom, for that. What have I been waiting for anyway? There is one thing that I am really going to miss about Las Vegas, Tom's sisters. They have been great friends to me. I am going to talk them in to moving with me so I can have it all. You comin', Jenny?
This is a picture of my mom holding Atticus as a newborn.
My mom died this morning. Sadly I wasn't there with her, but I think she was waiting for all of us to leave her. Always the good hostess. I was very nervous driving to see her. I wasn't sure what to expect or how I would feel seeing her. As I entered the room and saw her lying there she looked so peaceful. A frozen smile on her face. I haven't seen her smile for over a week. Her skin was so soft. I felt guilty for wanting all of this to be over, wished she would take another breath, but her smile comforted me. I know she is in a better place spending time with those who have gone before her. After everyone that was there had a chance to say a final goodbye, my sister's Kara and Mindy helped me wash her. I love her so much and I am really going to miss her. I know she will be waiting for me, and helping me be a better mom to my own kids. I am thankful for her example. I love you mom.
It is really early in the morning. Late last night, right before I finally went to sleep, I went to check on her. I stood in the doorway, waiting to hear her rattling breath. I held my own breath while I entered the room. I expected her to be cold, but she was not. I leaned in, and she was breathing so relaxed. I feel like Heavenly Father has given her a gift. It was a gift to me too. She is still alive now, but she is still so comfortable. I hope she stays peaceful like this until she dies.
She grew up being a happy child Always gentle, meek and mild. With a somewhat shy and wistful smile, That, in her heart, there was no guile
Her grade school years brought fun and pride As she excelled in all she tried. From pictures it was manifest That she was taller than the rest
Her tuneful voice was filled with song That helped to move the years along. She advanced into the teenage years With all their drastic hopes and fears.
In high school she achieved some more Towards what she was looking for And built fond memories along the was To be who she could be someday.
Too soon she was a woman grown And left our nest to build her own. She put the Temple in her plan That sealed her to her chosen man.
Their nest was filled just one by one With thirteen births ere they were done. Thirteen souls they brought to life A blessing for a man and wife.
So Dauna prepared, just in case, Of an early call to end the race. Her family stands at thirteen strong To push unfinished work along
Being a family made her happy and proud And with hope and endurance was richly endowed To provide her body with codes to go by, Willing to live, unwilling to die.
By her loving Father, Cleo Elijah (Bud) Hiatt age 92
Quick update...She is the strongest woman I have ever known. She has changed all the rules. Hospice has never seen anyone so strong, and remarkable. When the nurse came early this morning, she was surprised to see her alive, and said she would stay (sure it would be soon). We told her to go finish her rounds and come back at the end of her shift. Mom was still alive and breathing. She asked if we would like her to stay again. Although her experience was comforting for all of us, she had a family that wanted to see her. Now, at 12:47 am, I am preparing to sleep. I said my final goodbyes for the 100th time, wondering if I will have the opportunity to say goodbye again. Part of me hoping I will, and part of me praying I won't. It is so hard to watch her struggle for every breath. Wondering if her restlessness is from pain, anxiety, unresolved issues, or just wanting to breathe and not being able to catch her breath. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her. Thank you for all the support. I feel very loved.
I am sitting over at my parents house right now. My sisters, Julie, Emily, and Britta, and 3 of Britta's kids, stayed with her for a long time before my dad wanted to go to bed. We sang...a sort of cruel torture, having a hard time keeping a straight face sitting right next to my nephew. I think my mom would have been laughing with us if she could. She has gone 6 days without any water or food except for a couple syringes full of ensure a couple days ago. She no longer talks and only every once in a while opens her eyes, but I don't think she is seeing anything. Her look is blank. I am planning to stay here for a good portion of the night because looking at her she seems different to me today. He skin is pale and waxy. Her cheeks are cold now. Her breathing is much more labored now. The nurses are baffled. They have never had a patient all over the place. One day she is so close to death. You take a breath and prepare for the end, then you wake up the next day, call over to dads to ask how she is doing and her oxygen saturation is up with no explanation. It is a strange limbo between grieving and numbness. Sadly you get used to seeing your mom unresponsive and struggling to breath. Most of the time you can handle it and then you are thrust back into reality. I don't know how my mom feels about my crying. I hope she isn't unsettled by it. I love her. I think this is really the end now. The hospice nurse said she had less than 24 hours left. That is why I am sitting here blogging while I wait for news when I should be catching up on sleep. Feels strange waiting. I have a lot of support here. Not many people have as many people all going though the same thing. Some can spend more time than others. I think everyone is dealing with it differently, but it is nice to have someone that understands. I am too young to loose my mom. I am sorry if none of this makes sense. My sister reading over my shoulder has already pointed out lots of mistakes, but I am too tired to care.