Sunday, July 20, 2008

Back In Las Vegas

You can see where my priorities are...get the kids out of the car, throw together some dinner, then blog. I should be doing the mountains of laundry. (We had to borrow two extra suitcases to bring home all our dirty clothes.)
I am sure you are all just dying to know how the class reunion went. I had a good time. Not a great time, but good enough. I was surprised how much like high school it was. All the old friends gravitated. I found myself avoiding eye contact and conversations. Every time I did open my mouth strange things would come out. I actually sang to one person. And I am not sure if I was just too forgettable, or I looked really different, but no one recognised me. Even people that should have known me like those who were in my ward and grew up with.

I had to say goodbye to my mom. I have had the luxury of denial. The last time I saw her, she looked like she was dying. She had looked so good, and had been totally lucid. She loved to hear stories about the funny things the grand kids were doing, and filled in the blanks with lots of praise and comfort. When I saw her yesterday, she looked sick. She was very tired, and the long line of my kids wanting to say goodbye wore her out fast, but when they left the room and I had my moment with her I realized how real this was. I was saying goodbye to my mother. These were the last words I was going to hear from her, and the last I was going to say. We just hugged each other and cried. My mom is so strong, and I know she wanted me to be strong, but I couldn't talk myself out of those feelings. I am really going it miss her. I pulled myself together, just long enough to make it to the car. I had a really hard time leaving. I couldn't breathe or swallow because my chest was so tight. I don't feel like our goodbye was enough. Is that it? Does she know how much I really love her, and that she is the nicest person I have ever met? Does she know, that the things I see in myself and like, are things she taught to me? For some reason telling her doesn't seem to be enough. I am going to miss her.

7 comments:

ajesplin said...

I'm crying too, Katie. I couldn't imagine...

I'm sorry. You've had a rough summer... a rough year, really. I hope get better for you soon. You're entering a new phase of your life, the phase without your mom, and you're much to young for it.

Amanda said...

I feel so bad for you Katie! I don't know what else to say. :( Very, very sad :(

Emily said...

I'm really sad to hear about your mom. I can't even imagine what it must have felt like to leave her. ((HUGS))

Erin Beck said...

Katie, I have always been impressed with your mom. I know I didnt know her to well but just the fact the she could raise 13 kids! Wow, what a strong women she is. You are the same with all your little kids. Very patient and kind. Thats a few of the many things you can take with you from her. Hope you feel better soon. Reunions are overrated too!

jenn . dave . emma . davis said...

I am so sad! I had heard about your mom from Amie. Your mom is an amazing woman! I am sure you are both grateful for the time you were able to spend together, but that doesn't make leaving any easier. I am sorry!

ajesplin said...

Hello? Hey. Whatcha doing? me? Nothing, what about you?

Amy Thurston said...

I am so sad reading this. I am glad you came back up for awhile.